You know how you picture your life, and think you've got it all together? Or maybe I'm the only one that did that? The majority of my life has been pretty perfect. Happy family, good student, the best of friends, fairy tale wedding. Things had always come very easily to me. Sure, I had my struggles because I'm human, but for the most part I've lived a pretty charmed life. Do you know what happens when you live a pretty charmed life? You start to think you've got it all figured out. Heck, even our first baby was pretty perfect! Motherhood with one easy baby came so naturally to me that I thought, "Wow, I am a great mom and everyone else is just making this way harder than it needs to be!"
Did you read that right? Yep you did! That friends was a confession. I was a sancti-mommy of the worst kind. I kept it under wraps, but you better believe I was thinking it.
So, being that I was such an amazing mom, we decided we should get pregnant again sooner rather than later. And that's when God just laughed and laughed! OK, OK so that's a joke. Truthfully, I really hate talking about God like that because I don't think he's some puppet master up there pulling strings for His own entertainment. I believe He is a loving Father who saw his daughter inching close to a point of no return and it was time to start allowing some time in the purifying fire. Or maybe it was just that we live in a fallen world and bad stuff happens. I think both scenarios are probably each a bit true.
We suddenly found ourselves in a high risk pregnancy with identical twin girls. Around the same time our 15 month old son, Michael, starting showing signs of a speech delay. My pretty, perfect, amazing life started crumbling all around me. The details of all these situations is another story (or stories) for another day, but at the root of it all was fear. I was always prone to anxiety and depression, so this didn't help. I latched onto fear and let it ruin my life. It manifested itself as anger, bitterness, doubt, anxiety, depression, and shame. The once very proud girl that I was, or thought I was, turned into a very insecure mess. I lost control of everything, and I'm still trying to find it.
Flash forward 4 years to today. That high risk twin pregnancy produced the sassiest and most strong willed girls in the world. Mary and Maggie are 3, and I'm not sure I'll ever learn how to properly parent them. When I look at them, I truly can't believe God gave them to me. They steal the show everywhere they go because who can resist adorable twin blondies with voices like Minnie Mouse. No one. The answer is no one.
The sweet baby boy with signs of regression and a speech delay is now the most handsome 5 year old boy in the world. Michael has an imagination that will make anyone's jaw drop. He has Autism Spectrum Disorder that we now know for him is caused by electro graphic seizures in the parietal lobe of his brain. He is the sweetest, smartest, most amazing kid ever, and he has taught me more in 5 years than I've learned in my entire 31. Being his mother is the most incredible gift.
The past 4 years of my life have been a struggle. That's putting it mildly. I have kicked and screamed and yelled obscenities at the Lord the whole way. I thought I was this perfect mom, with a perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect parents. I thought I had it all together. I did not. When every single aspect of my life came crashing down, I found myself at the bottom of a deep dark hole, and I finally found Jesus. Now don't get me wrong, I have believed in Christ most of my life. There's no doubt about that, but in January of this year, I finally let go of the anger. OK, let's be real, I finally started the process of letting go of the anger, because that takes time, y'all! I finally saw the situation through His eyes. I saw how so many of these intense trials were working together for the good of my soul. And that's where I found Him. That's where I found the redemptive love of Jesus, the Jesus that had been waiting for me this whole time, the Jesus that was merciful through my ridiculously long tantrum, the Jesus that never gives up on me no matter what I try to to throw at him.
So is everything all wrapped up now with a pretty pink bow? No. My life is still a hot mess. Am I the perfect mom I thought I was? NO. Was I ever? Even bigger NO.
My name is Katie. I'm married to my childhood sweetheart. Like, for real. I have a love letter he wrote me in the first grade. I'm a special needs mom. I'm a twin mom. I'm trying. I mess up a lot. I'm redeemed. I'm covered by a gracious and merciful Savior.
Elise's friendship and Charm and Grace Designs is truly an answered prayer and a dream come true. It came into my life right when I needed it the most. I probably wouldn't have survived this past year without Elise building me up and speaking truth into my life on the darkest days.
Thank you for following along with us on this journey. We are so glad you are here!